One Week To Go
It’s just seven days now until my test for Huntington’s, and to be perfectly honest I’m shitting bricks. I don’t think I’ve ever been so nervous about something in my entire life, and it scares me to think that the results of the test could be positive…
I don’t think I’ve got it if the truth be told. I’m not exhibiting any of the symptoms, and I certainly don’t behave like my estranged Mother (who has now been tested after twenty-five years of denial, and has it) or Brother (also in denial, and has gone so far as to lie about having been tested when he quite clearly hasn’t). I just don’t know what to think.
I heard a story about a guy whose family had mostly got the disease - we’re talking his siblings, Mother, the lot. He was so very sure that he had it too that he didn’t bother to get tested for years and years. He had all the symptoms too - including the memory loss, mood swings, and the shakes. Then when he did finally get talked into being tested, it turned out that he didn’t actually have it - and the whole thing had been psychosomatic. It messed him up for a long time, partly because of the guilt he suffered from being the only one of his family not to get it, and partly because of the shock to his system.
The worst thing is going to be the 4-6 week wait for the results, once the test is done. That’s gonna be a real nail-biter. I’m not sure yet how I’m going to cope with the last stage of the waiting… I guess I’ll just keep telling myself that it’s all going to be over (one way or the other) at the end of it.
- Coming Up For Air
- Merry Christmas From Me!
- Work Overload!
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Paul, are you a religious person? Do you pray?
I’m religious and I pray sometimes. On the other hand - I’m a f**king liberal, as many befriended theologians told me - and I’m not sure why I should formulate my wishes in grammar and word and tell them to an almighty God that already knows my wishes. I always had the feeling that the best way to pray is to just - shut up.
But it helps. Me.
You go to your test on the ninth? And you get your results four weeks later? O.k. - put into my calendary. I’ll pray - who knows?
I wouldn’t class myself as religious, no. I had a Christian upbringing, and attended church and Sunday School every week - but lost interest in it all when it turned out that the church elders had been syphoning off donated money for their own personal gains. I think it made me realise that you didn’t need to be in a congregation to commune with God.
My belief as it currrently stands is that there is some sort of divine entity, but not as described by any of the religious texts that I have read. There are obviously religions that I haven’t studied, so perhaps one day I will find an faith into which my own concepts will fit. In the mean time I don’t consider myself wise or experienced enough to denounce what anybody else chooses to believe in.
I’m not against the idea of organised religion if it helps somebody with their life - and I thank you for your prayers. I too will probably pray, so perhaps our prayers will be heard by the same ears…
If there’s a God, and that’s my feeling and my belief since I was about six - he will hear you. And me. And muslim, hinduist, shamanic and any other prayer, too.
I just think he will not equip his wizard’s top-hat and fulfill our personal, individual little wishes - believing in this big Dumbledore in the skies is child’s belief.
BTW: I can completely understand your brother. AND you, too.
I got a chronic illness too. Sometimes I wish, I’d just didn’t know - sometimes I’m glad knowing about it.
I’m not afraid of death, but dying is - in 95% - just a pain in the a**.
I’ve gotta tell you that I came here from a comment you left on my site, and this was the first post I read. Man, it is depressing. I sorta came expecting a blog maybe about tech or even SEO; then, bam! A debilitating disease hits me in the face. Its actually one that I had never heard of before. I just want to wish you good luck with all of this.
Zep: I’ve always had a problem with people who think that they say a prayer for anything they want - a new car, a successful move, I’ve seen it all.
I *do* understand why my brother has done what he has. That’s not the reason why he’s estranged though - there’s other stuff with him and my mother that goes way back…
I thought a great deal about whether I really wanted to find out, and I still have the chance to change my mind - right up until they hand me that envelope. But (and this is simply a personal thing) I’m one of those people who feel more in control of a situation if they have all the details to hand.
—-
J David: Thanks for stopping by! I guess I wanted to make this blog to talk about anything that lurked in my thoughts, bet it design, technology, or whatever. It wasn’t until I’d launched it that I realised that the thing lurking most was the test and results. It’s making it hard to focus on my design work to be honest!
Once this is all done with (and probably as a distraction during the process) I’m pretty sure I’ll revert back to posting about my main interests - design, computers and music (usually in that order).
[…] [Thanks to Zep and J David for commenting on my previous post] […]
Hi Paul,
I just stopped by to check any new Redoable mods. Now I’m looking for words that I just cannot find. I know (from experience) it is difficult, but make sure that you maintain a positive spirit, whatever happens.
Hou je taai! (Take care!)
Dirk
Paul,
I had no idea man. You’re in my prayers for sure. This has to be affecting you to degrees your readers will never realize. And, for that I sympathize.
– Scot
Dirk: ik zal u danken.
Scot: Thank you. That means alot.